One thing I struggle with.....emotion

I have never been that girl that showed a ton of emotion.  Few have seen me cry however many have seen me laugh. I mean just for instance when my husband proposed to me I laughed. (don't most cry?)   I never really would get attached to things that would make me break down or bawl my eyes out.  I remember distinctly while showing cattle at the fair that on sale day all the kids would be crying their eyes out while they loaded their steers up on the trailer.  I never cried.  I guess I never saw them as my best friend even though I spent many hours with them getting them to walk and stand for me.  My mom would always look at me and be like "aren't you sad to see it go?"  My reply "nope".  Perhaps my understanding of the food system was too high so I was excited for the hamburgers and steak.  Not sure.

While dating my husband back in the day we had 2 dogs.  One was a border collie that I purchased and for having no training in herding cattle it was like natural instinct.  He would run out and just run circles around the cattle or sit at the fence and taunt them.  However his downfall was that he liked to chase vehicles down the drive.  Well needless to say one day he went to chase the truck down the drive and didn't see the goose neck trailer connected.  My husband called me at work to tell me that Bear had passed away and what had happened and all I could think was "well he should have known better."  At that point everyone was just telling me I was heartless with no emotion.  Could it be?

Our next dog was a chocolate lab with a ton of energy that my husband brought home.  I was never a fan of this dog.  He was into everything and dug up my plants and always jumped on you.  He also learned that if he ran really fast through the electric fence it wouldn't hurt as bad.  However he wasn't as eager so run back.  He would sit on the other side of the fence looking at us like "could you turn it off so i can come back now?"  Well he also liked to chase things and was not happy when the guys were baling hay behind the house and he couldn't help.  So like normal he ran through the fence except when they left to take the hay to the barn he followed.  I got the call the Buster passed away and what happened and my thoughts were "well he should've known better."  Again, I was told I was heartless and emotionless.  At this point I was beginning to believe it.  Why do I not get attached to animals?

After a year or so we had the opportunity to bring our latest dog Bella home.  She was perfect.  She was about 6 years old and had quite a few litters of pups so she was just ready to retire. 

 

She didn't jump.  She didn't dig up my flower bed.  She didn't run off.  She just layed around and soaked up the sun.  In the beginning she would go on walks and runs with me.  However later on you could tell her age was catching up with her and she had a hard time keeping up.  She made great company when Joe would go on his week long snowmobile trips.......Not sure if you can see where this is going.

Last week Bella had come down with pancreatitis.  We took her into the emergency vet and due to her age and the fact that they also found a tumor on her bladder she was not able to pull out of it.  We had to put her down.  I bawled my eyes out.  I have never cried over an animal in my life.  I may actually be crying as I write this....(you'll never know)!  It felt like I was losing a family member.  I almost had a sense of being cured.  Like I was relieved that I could have emotion!  I suppose it isn't a bad thing right?  It only makes us human.  I learned that it's ok to cry and you don't always have to be the strong one.

RIP Bella.  We loved you to pieces!