Thursday, September 3, 2015

Real Life.....

So last week I said I was going to start a series of real life Wednesday......  As you can see this Wednesday business is clearly a difficult task.  So it's more like real life who really cares what day it is.  That will be my new title.  Here we are another week later.  Not much has changed except my child is a week older.  I get an email from the hospital that explains what my child should be doing week to week.  That shit will give a new mom straight up anxiety.  So for example this week it says that my child should start reaching his hands up at me when he wants picked up.  Are you freaking kidding me?  I swear last week they told me that he still can only see 10 inches away from his face and now you are telling me he can see me enough to let me know he wants picked up?  Blasphemy i say.  Who comes up with this weekly update?  So here I am standing in front of my son, testing this theory.  Fail.  He is still in a flailing arm stage.  They clearly have their weeks screwed up.

Pretty sure that most of my baby posts revolve around baby poop. Well this week is no different.  Pretty much every time my lil peanut makes a turd and I go to change him, he puts his foot in poop. I don't know how he manages it most of the time but he does. It's a conspiracy I swear.  Sometimes it may be a solid couple hours after a diaper change that I notice he has a poop smear on his foot.  Like it magically appears.  I swear I check to make sure he is poop free.  Where is it coming from?!?!?!

That is currently what I am dealing with in my real life.  The fact my child is behind on his arm reaching to let me know he wants picked up and his phantom poop smears that appear outta no where.

On a side note, we are 1 day away from one of the best national holidays of the year.  Labor Day you ask?  No, obviously because that is Monday and not 1 day away.  It's the beginning of Spartan football!!!!  He is pretty excited about it if you can't tell!

Have a great holiday weekend!!

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Real Life Wednesday

I had the idea of starting a series every Wednesday that shares a glimpse of my real life.  I find that the ole interwebs tend to show people with the white picket fence, hair and makeup done, and dinner on the table with the perfect family.  However the real life behind the computer screen is mad chaos.  Why do we hide it?  Why do we try to paint a picture to everyone that we have life all together.  

I am here to break that mold and let you all know it is ok to not have your shit together.  My life is bananas right now.  Straight up bananas.  I have a hard enough time remembering to eat let alone have my hair and makeup done.  Here is a lil glimpse into my real life......

My kid makes man sized turds.  To the point that you see here.  I am feeding him, minding my own business and with one solid grunt I am holding a handful of poo.  As i tell my sister "Do something!" I was thinking more like grab the kid so I can wash my hand, she instead grabs her phone to take a picture.....classic

Currently my son has eyes for 6 ounces of milk but the stomach capacity for only 4 ounces.  In turn that means mama wears the bottle shortly after feeding.  Straight down the shirt soaked with curdled milk.  It smells wonderful too might I add.  

So there you have the first edition of real life Wednesday.  Stay tuned next week for more madness.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Weight loss with a lil Zantac

First let's talk about weight loss after pregnancy. Pumping/breast-feeding is like a secret magic tool.  It conveniently makes weight quickly fall off. Two weeks postpartum I was down 5 pounds pre-baby weight. That is all of my baby weight plus an additional 5 lbs if you couldn't do the math. Four weeks postpartum I was down 10 pounds pre-baby weight. Pre baby weight!!!! That is a total of like 31 lbs. At this point I pretty much felt like a rockstar.  Then comes along a little thing called a plugged milk duct. (If any of you need to know how to get rid of said plugged milk duct refer to this post). 

After that little treasure of an experience showed up I could only produce one ounce of breastmilk so I stopped pumping. Gasp I know, my child only got one month of breastmilk so I'm sure he will not thrive or prosper (insert mom shaming that my child was not breast-fed for one year). I wasn't really even a fan of pumping anyway so I was impressed I made it 4 weeks. I really just wanted to know what it felt like to be a milk cow. (Kidding........kind of). 

So now fast-forward to week five postpartum where I am only down 5 pounds pre-baby weight. Yes that means I in fact gained 5 pounds back.  We are now at six weeks postpartum and I am only 2 pounds lighter than pre-baby weight. Dammit, I am going backwards. I suppose I should stop eating ice cream multiple times a day since I am no longer excreting milk from my tits. So there's that.

On to the Zantac.  I like to update you all on my angry baby situation for what reason I don't know, other than maybe this will be a cute timeline for later on to refer to as to why my hair turned grey so quickly. We started my adorable lil peanut on Zantac last night for his reflux. Zantac.....not Xanax.  Everyone pauses when I mention Zantac thinking I am treating my child for panic attacks.  No.  After about an hour of medication I had a laughing and smiling baby......yes, I said laughing not crying.  
Look at that precious thing.....How can it really ever be mad and scream for hours you ask....I'd like to know as well

So the good news is that the happiness lasted about 2 days.  The bad news is that the happiness lasted only 2 days.  We now have screaming gas pains......I took him to meijer to get a new formula to try (Gerber soothe please be my saving grace).  He screamed the whole time.  The check out lady was like, "are you a new mom?" I replied, yes, how can you tell?  She laughed and said "the anxiety in your face and spit up down your shirt."  She then said "Don't worry it gets better".  If I hear that one more time I may go bananas.....I need gets better to happen pronto!!! 

 So now we wait to see if the new formula will help.  I mean if we get rid of the gas and screaming he would literally have no reason to cry.......but what fun would that be?

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Thank you Old Milwaukee Light

I have officially become my grandma.  I have aged myself a solid 50 years.  I had an Old Milwaukee Light this past weekend and it has never tasted so good.  Or it could be the fact that this is only the second beer I have had in the 5 weeks following the birth of my lil nugget.  I used to wrinkle my nose at the thought of having to drink an Old Milwaukee Light, but after a month of trying to figure out what a newborn baby wants when he cries......I was willing to drink anything at this point.  Pure deliciousness, that's what that tasted like.

We are now officially into week 5 of this adventure called parenthood.  I think it is important to keep it real because so many people try to make child raising sound so easy and glorious.  Everyone's child is an angel and never cries or makes you want to drink a 30 pack of Busch Light in one sitting in an hour time period.  I have quickly realized that they are all liars.  Lies I say!!!  All babies cry and drive you batty at times.  I'm not buying it that they don't.  No shame here in admitting that.

I love here is a good one.
Everyone told me about a time that would come when my little angel would have a blowout in his car seat. Not my child I thought.  He has cute lil baby poos and I quickly change him and all is well in our wonderful world. Today that all changed.......

As I was sitting waiting for my sister to show up to go for a walk in 90 degree weather with 100% humidity......dumb....I noticed my lil angel grunting.  Grunting and turning his face red.  I thought, awe lil peanut, you gotta poo?  So I go sit in the back seat waiting on the arrival so I can quickly change him.  Because I am johnny on the spot like mentioned earlier on the diaper change end.  He finally pushes out what I thought was a turd along with some farts.......  Nope.  All poop.

I pull his hand up, which was conveniently by his side, to get him out of his car seat and his had is covered in baby shit.  I slightly freak out.  Naturally when i grab his had to keep him from so kindly putting it in his mouth he smears it across his face. Baby. Poop. Everywhere.

I lift him from his seat......Woah....

 My lil dinosaur took a dino sized shit......clearly

Car seats have little to no nooks and crannies that poo can nicely get stuck in.  Said no one ever.  So here's to you Old Milwaukee Light!  Thank you for being so tasty and getting me through yet one more milestone in baby's life.  Also, let this be a lil public service announcement for all you soon to be moms out there.  Don't buy a car seat that doesn't wipe down easily.......

Monday, July 20, 2015

Moms and the influence of Google

I get it!  I totally get it!  All of these years I have never understood why people believe anything and everything that they read on the internet........until now!  In the industry of Agriculture and more specifically food, I was completely mind boggled by the mis information that people believe because they read it on the internet.  I used to sit and wonder why others would believe random people with no experience growing food over someone like myself who lives and works in it everyday. Well, I can tell you now that I understand fully how this happens; desperation and the top Google answers.

It's called become a first time parent with a baby that is fussy most of the day.  You will go to Google in hopes of finding anything that might make your baby happy for longer than 5 minutes.  Over the past 3 and a 1/2 weeks I have spent many hours searching a million different baby symptoms and cures.  I have read a thousand mommy threads in hopes of finding something to make a difference.  I finally understand.

When you are experiencing a situation in your life that is either a struggle or a challenge, you seek out information to help make it easier.  When you are desperate you may just try anything and everything.  It all makes sense to me now.

Examples:  My child, if he is not eating or sleeping is fussy and crying.  He cannot just be awake and happy.  It doesn't happen.  So this mom goes to Google university for any glimpse of a chance of finding something that makes my baby happy. I now understand how people can be influenced to believe things when all evidence says it's probably not true.  It's called being desperate.

Another example:  I got a plugged milk duct.  This shit is for real.  I wasn't about to get mastitis like I've seen in cows.  Gross.  Wasn't going to happen.  So, what did I do?  I of course went to Google to find a cure.  All the professional websites said to just put a warm compress on it and strip it downward in hopes of unplugging it.  Didn't work.  I then go to a mommy thread where a woman explains that you should get on all fours and pump from the ground.  Sounds crazy but it worked!!!!  Mommy thread for the win!  No mastitis here......but to prove my point.  The suggestions from professionals didn't work and some lady that tried something crazy and it worked just saved my boob from curdled milk.  I might believe anything she tells me at this point.  Now i'm not saying that is a reason to not believe the professionals, I'm just saying that I can see how people look to other sources when things don't work.

So what is the lesson here?   I really don't know.......but what I do know is that I totally understand how people believe off the wall information when they are desperate for an answer. It definitely makes me want to keep telling my story so that if people are looking and searching for info about where their food comes from, I hope they stumble upon me in their frantic search. Or if they have a plugged milk now all know the secret!  You can thank me later :)

And here is a random off the wall fact......This is what I look like in 80 degree weather in the evenings when i take my dog out to go potty.  We have man eating mosquitoes.  Not exaggerating.  And that is the annoyed look I keep on my face the whole time I am out there as well!

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

This isn't a Mommy Blog....I swear

I have no intentions of making this a mommy blog....but some of this stuff you just can't make up and is too funny not to share. So here are my mommy confessions part 2!

I had a hair appt made for Saturday and after 2 weeks of being in my house with a newborn all day everyday I was so excited for this appointment, for a of couple reasons.  Reason # 1: I just needed a lil me time.  Judge if you may but for real, I was ready to just relax and not hear a baby cry for a couple of hours. I have never had anything need me this much in my life, not even my puppy, so it has been a life changing experience.  A wonderful blessing of a change, but life changing nonetheless.  Reason # 2:...............

Holy frizzy fly away madness.  It was time for a Tibolli treatment.  If you have super frizzy hair that turns into a brillo pad such as above in even the tiniest of humidity, then you need to ask your stylist about getting one of these!  Life. Changing.  

I left early to run into walmart to get some formula.  I used to spend my money on cowboy boots, now I spend my money on formula.  As I was walking through there was a new mom with a very tiny baby doing some grocery shopping.  The baby was screaming.  I walked by and smiled thinking to myself, I get it and it's ok.  You let that baby cry my dear.  I then also realized that the baby screaming was an instant trigger for milk stimulation.  I have been pumping (couldn't do the breastfeeding thing) and quickly realized I came to town without any nursing

I quickly ran to the bathroom, found a maxi pad in my purse (all you fresh moms know exactly why I had one of those), ripped it in half and made some make shift nursing pads.  No one wants to be walking around walmart with 2 wet spots on their shirt and then you find yourself on the people of walmart facebook page.  I started laughing in the bathroom stall thinking to myself.....this is real life.  I know someone else out there has been in this

I think that documenting these lovely times in my life will give me a chuckle later on when this nugget is like 12 years old and thinks he doesn't need me anymore and is way too cool to be around me.  

It also will remind me of the adorable moments like last night when he was fighting sleep and wanted to cry for hours and all of a sudden smiled and laughed for the first time.  He even startled himself when he laughed.  It made me forget about the crankiness......for a short minute :)

Happy week friends!

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

New Mom Confessions

You read that correct......I finally calved!!  I'm a mom!  Woah.....that still gives me anxiety a lil to say out loud.  Don't get me wrong, it has been a pretty awesome experience, but I have to admit that I was so unprepared for new mom status.

Here's the deal;  you spend 6 hours in labor and after you push out that little bundle of joy you have an army of nurses that are at your every call.  They check on you every hour, bring you anything you need, and take care of the baby while you get some rest.  Then all of a sudden they tell you that you are ready to go home after 2 days of nonstop care and your quick advisers for any and all baby related questions and concerns. My instant thought: But wait, you all aren't coming with me?!?!

You head home and it honestly feels like you are just babysitting and someone is coming to pick up this lil nugget at anytime.  It is all trial and error.  Then after a wonderful evening and first day home with your new lil one he all of a sudden gets pissed.  When I say pissed, i mean pissed.  Like scream at the top of his lungs for 4. HOURS. STRAIGHT!  I bawled.  I was a horrible mom. I couldn't even sooth my baby.  I didn't know what was wrong.  Thank god for a wonderful husband and sister that came over to attempt to calm the storm.  After a healthy poop and some serious burps we finally had a sleeping baby.  Did I mention 4 hours later?

All I wanted to do was go back to the hospital and have the nurses care for me and my new baby that I felt I was failing at miserably.  I cried.  I have never been a crier.  Very rarely do I have emotions that soar or even get expressed.  That changes with a baby.  Those hormones that people speak of are legit.  I sometimes just burst in to tears and not even have a reason or know why.  So strange.  Hopefully that goes does right?

With all that being said, we are slowly but surely getting adjusted.  Through the ups and downs and just going day by day its moments like when he shits his diaper with a big grin on his face that I realize I wouldn't change a thing.

Happy Day!